The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡