Doug is just Canadian for dog
You Might Also Like
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.