If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
You Might Also Like
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
A leaf blower, but for people.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about