*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
It’s an epidemic…
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.