Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
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oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.