Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
![]()
You Might Also Like
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
the answer was staring at me all along
![]()
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
🐕🍷
![]()
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
![]()
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat