Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
This one, by a wide margin
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.