🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
my dog when i have a friend over
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.