Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.