If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
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haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
the official breakfast of 2021
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Brands during Pride
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Thoughts
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.