The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
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Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving