I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

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Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter


Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.


I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.


If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”


Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch


Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.


This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”


Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?


I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.


Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.