I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
It’s the weekend y’all
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
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