@s_cLaN07

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

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@DirtMcTurd

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

@Petote

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

@Cheeseboy22

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

@candlelit_moth

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

@krystaunclear

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

@DamienFahey

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

@NurseMurderer

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

@rebrafsim

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

@Molly_Kats

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

@LeonEarlgrey

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.