*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
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Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.