What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
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Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*