What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
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*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
“No way.” -Jose
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Simple enough.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.