*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
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I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
President The Rock Obama
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?