Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
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My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
notice
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.