Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
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[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.