50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
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You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.