No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
You Might Also Like
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
An odd boast
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.