I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
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#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer