I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
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Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
A classic…
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances