coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
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Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Good morning.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
☠️☠️☠️
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Did…did a minotaur write this
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.