I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
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COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
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*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised