Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
You Might Also Like
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
selfie game
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
crazy
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
(Jupiter –