selfie game
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when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Some people were born into their job.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.