My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
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[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.