It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
You Might Also Like
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Natural selection at its finest
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
New comic up. “Ransom”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”