“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*