Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
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“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Why soy sad?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
✌🏽
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.