I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
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“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Buying a well is money well spent.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money