Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.