Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.