“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
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If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.