them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
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*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
The Backseat Boys
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Ken is short for chicken
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.