I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
You Might Also Like
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do