The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
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Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*