If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
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Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait