My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
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“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
fr
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
This is Sparta
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.