*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Cannot stop laughing at this
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!