Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
You Might Also Like
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.