As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
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You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
car not found
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.