my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
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What the dentist sees
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew