my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
![]()
You Might Also Like
🛁
![]()
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom