Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
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No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD