As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.