I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
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#MeanwhileInCanada
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.