alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
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Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
dutch so unserious
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs