dutch so unserious
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Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
“i miss shittin on people”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.