[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
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*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
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Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once