There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud