the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
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Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
my retirement plan is braless
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.