ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
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Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
the Monday after daylight savings
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain